101 Things You’ve Always Wanted to Know About Me

1. I’m grouchy in the morning.

2. I’m often grouchy in the afternoon.

3. I’m seldom grouchy in the evening, unless someone persists in irritating me.

4. I dislike the color blue, probably because my little sister Julie had blue eyes and everyone was always saying how pretty she was, and I had brown eyes and no one ever said how pretty I was.

5. Now I have green eyes and I’m very pretty.

6. My favorite color is red-orange and I have red-orange hair. It is very pretty.

7. When I was a little girl, my dad said that I ran like a turkey. Is that good or bad?.

8. Now I run like a gazelle. Okay, maybe a gazelle with three legs…

9. When I was sixteen, my dad said that I played the piano like I had lint in my navel. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I was pretty sure it wasn’t a compliment.

10. Now my navel is lint-free.

11. I lived in foster homes, off and on, from age 4 to 9. It sucked.

12. My mother was married five times. She was divorced once. That was before record keeping was computerized.

13. I have been married twice and divorced once, but not in that order.

14. I’ve changed my first name three times. I like the final one a lot and will stick with it. It starts with a “Z,” which is my favorite letter.

15. When I was 13 I attempted to throw a rotten watermelon from a moving car onto the steps of my junior high school, but it landed on the curb. Stupid watermelon.

16. When I was 14, I got really, really drunk on straight whiskey and puked my guts out for the next several hours. That was a long time ago and hasn’t happened since. I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid…or something like that.

17. I went to four different schools in fourth grade. That sucked.

18. My mother said that I was “a selfish brat,” just because I re-possessed the birthday gift that I had just given to my little sister. SHE WASN’T USING IT CORRECTLY, DARN IT!!

19. Actually, I really was a selfish brat. I still am. GET AWAY FROM MY CHOCOLATE!

20. I am an Atheist, goddamn it!

21. I pretend to be tolerant of religious nuts, but I think they’re stupid.

22. I think religious nuts should mind their own fucking business and stop trying to legislate morality.

23. I never use profanity except when it is warranted.

24. When I was 16, I necked with my high school History teacher. It was all his fault. He was too handsome.

25. When I was 26, I necked with my mother’s fourth husband. He was a good kisser, but a bad husband.

26. I have shoplifted. Twice. When I was 14, I stole a wallet. When I was 25, poor and powerless, I walked out of the store with a shiny, new extension cord. Really!

27. When I was 29, I went to a Halloween party, dressed as a tube of Crest toothpaste. My breath was minty fresh.

28. I know life isn’t fair, but why not? It’s not fair!

29. I would like to impose a worldwide, absolute law that would require a minimum age of 50 for any and all members of any and all military or pseudo-military groups. I’m pretty sure that would put the brakes on war.

30.I do not wish to listen to any popular music produced after 1985. It is not music.

31. I realize that I sound like my father when I say that.

32. The only sport I was ever good at is Poker. Make that “the only sport I didn’t SUCK AT was Poker.”

33. Yes, I do realize that I have 69 more things to come up with. Quit nagging me!

34. 69 is my favorite number.

35. It’s difficult to concentrate when I’m thinking of it, however.

36. Chimpanzees are my favorite animals, but I wouldn’t want to be one.

37. I like to dance to salsa music, especially when it’s hot and humid and the sweat pours down all my crevices.

38. Not that I have any more crevices than the next guy.

39. I lived in a boxcar for the first year of my life.

40. I liked it there, because I had no pesky little sisters yet.

41. I like to look at big, muscley men, but I don't want them to shave their bodies. 42. I went to a lowbrow Chippendale-style performance once. Those guys were so incredibly sexy; I was ready to tear their tiny little briefs right off of them! All of the women in the audience were hootin’ and hollerin’.

43. I wish I had a pair of ruby slippers.

44. I wish I could make myself invisible, at will. Oh...wait! You can't see me, can you?

45. I wish I were fluent in Spanish.

46. I’m glad I’m not a cannibal.

47. I’m glad I’m not pregnant.

48. I’m glad I’m almost half-done with this list.

49. When I was 29, I went white-water rafting on the Green River and our raft ran straight into a huge rock in the middle of the stream and I didn’t fall out of the raft, which was a good thing, because I can’t swim.

50. Once upon a time, I was nude-sunbathing on a small, rocky island in Lake Powell, thinking I was all alone, when a motor boat with several men came putt-putting up next to me. I just rolled over on my stomach and closed my eyes, willing them to go away. They did, eventually.

51. And then there was the time when I chased a bunch of armed hunters off of our farm, with nothing but my anger and a lot of profanity.

52. Two years ago I was in Italy, and I found my own way from Assisi t o the Tiemplo di Minerva, using only my steely-eyed determination and 12 words of Italian.

53. I wish I were fluent in Italian.

54. I wish I could make love to one of the gondoliers in Venice.

55. I wish I could make love to that glassblower in the glass factory I visited in Murano. He was a big, muscley man.

56. I was proud of myself when I made it to the top of Angel’s Landing, in Zion National Park, in Utah, even though I was certain I would not live to include it in this list.

57. Last year, I forded a wild stream in Kauai, holding onto a rope that was entirely inadequate and I would have been swept over the falls if a big, muscley surfer-dude had not come to my rescue.

58. I almost always wear underwear when I’m in public.

59. haven’t gone hang-gliding yet. I’m waiting until the doctor tells me I have only six months to live.

60. I fucked boyfriend du jour in a graveyard once. Once was enough.

61. I tried to commit suicide once, but it didn’t work.

62. Now I take Zoloft and I love being alive.

63. I am covered with tatoos.

64. When I was 15 I went to a hypnotist and he tried to hypnotize me, but it wasn’t working, and I told him it wasn’t working and he got mad at me, so I pretended it was working, and he was so thrilled with his success that he wanted me to be his subject in a demonstration he was going to give.

65. I had an uncle who was a dirty, fucking, pedophile creep and I hope he burns and rots in hell.

66. Not that I hold any grudges or anything.

67. I get annoyed with adults who don’t know the difference between “their,” “they’re,” and “there.”

68. I get annoyed with adults who think that you make a plural by adding apostrophe s to a noun. e.g. “I have two husband’s.” Didn’t you go to school, you pitiful excuse for a human being?

69. I get annoyed with everyone and anyone who starts a sentence with the word “Me,” as in “Me and Mike were gittin’ it on!” It’s “Mike and I,” motherfuckers!

70. Sometimes, I get annoyed with myself for being so intolerant, but mostly I’m okay with it.

71. I ate frog legs once, just to be able to say I had done it. It was nasty. I felt so guilty. Poor little frogs. As if they don’t have enough problems, with loss of habitat and all.

72. I tried escargot too. I brushed my teeth about six times afterwards.

73. Talk about guilt! For the first thirty years of my life, I felt guilty about masturbating. Now it’s all good. It has been helpful to read blogs about the shame-free way that men relate tales of their solo escapades.

74. I have never faked an orgasm. And if you believe that, you must be a man.

75. I go to the gym three times a week and work out for 1½ hours each time. But I feel guilty that I’m not getting the exercise by doing actual, productive work.

76. I feel guilty about feeling guilty.

77. I hate cooked carrots, but I don’t feel guilty for hating them. They deserve it. Stupid carrots.

78. I’m left-handed, but I masturbate with my right hand. Go figure.

79. I plan to wash all the windows in my house, as soon as hell freezes over.

80. I thought I was in love once, but it was just gas.

81. I can read palms. You will lead a long and happy life…oh dear, wait…never mind, let’s talk about something else.

82. I’ve never met a vibrator I didn’t like.

83. I am really hungry right now, so I’m going to go get something good to eat and try not to feel guilty about it, even though I know I will, because I promised myself I wouldn’t eat anything fattening tonight, but everything that sounds good to me is fattening!

84. No man has ever beaten me up, but if one ever tries, I can guarantee he’ll be sorry. 85. I float like a moth and sting like a wasp…on steroids. I’m a pretty good boxer, too. (Not really.)
86. My ex and I went to a nudist camp several times, back in the 80’s. It was an eye-opening experience. I was amazed at the variation in size, shape, color, and condition of the bare-naked penises. Most of the men were able to keep them deflated, but one well-endowed teenager was at half-mast most of the time. It was quite entertaining.

87. I learned the hard way that I must never tell a Jehovah’s Witness missionary that I am an Atheist. It is like waving raw meat in front of a lion.

88. When I was five years old, a neighbor girl hit me across the head with a two-by-four. So I killed her. (Only one of these sentences is true.)

89. While I’ve never done any actual research on the subject, I suspect that lesbians give better cunnilingus than men do, since they actually know THE LOCATION OF THE CLITORIS!

90. I can crush Japanese Beetles with my bare fingers.

91. I think the sale and use of marijuana should be legal. Period! Exclamation mark:

92. My favorite pen is in the shape of a flamingo, with lots of bright pink feathers on top of its head.

93. Sometimes I wish I had a pet, preferably an orange-haired kitty, but then I smoke a joint and forget about it.

94. I tried smoking oregano once. Mama mia! It was disappointing.

95. I cry over spilt milk.

96. I truly believe that two wrongs make a right.

97. You CAN have your cake and eat it too. It will be stored in that roll of fat around your waist.

98. Sometimes I think I may have a split personality. But then someone inside my head assures me that I don’t.

99. A rose is a rose is a rose, unless it’s a banana. In that case, it might have a “split” personality. Get it? A banana split? Never mind.

100. I’m nearing the finish line! My heart is pounding like an angry judge’s gavel. I’m out of breath. I think I may throw up! But no, I can’t quit now, no matter how much you would like me to!

101. I cooked a man in Crisco, just to watch him fry.